Having the sofa firmly against the wall doesn’t make it any less comfortable. Photo: Andrew Sutton.
Amid endless reels of perfectly curated, clutter-free, beige and grey homes it’s easy to feel like you live in a hovel, especially if you share said hovel with children or animals.
Last week I made the mistake of reading an interior design article and learnt that having your furniture against the walls makes your home look povvo.
There’s no chance I’m moving anything away from the walls, because I have no desire for the dogs to run headfirst into the whisky cabinet – but now I feel bad about it.
A friend is halfway through moving and discovered she has a grand total of three aquariums, amid a diverse collection of furniture and other decor.
Another friend is in the throes of the toddler stage. Her most important style choices centre on the strategic placement of sharp, hot, breakable, toxic or electronic items.
So in the spirit of real life, and also because you don’t actually need any qualifications to write a story telling people what they should do with the insides of their own homes, here are my top 10 decor tips for my fellow hovel dwellers.
Tip number one: Everything goes against a wall, because it’s harder to knock over. It also gives you maximum space in the middle of the room for dance parties with tiny humans who haven’t completely worked out spatial awareness yet.
Tip number two: Cover all soft furnishing with blankets. You’re probably not going to make your sofa last longer, but they’re easier to remove and wash than couch covers, and you can get them in patterns that help to hide a multitude of sins.
Tip number three: Don’t love anything too much. Children and animals can sense when you love something too much and they will subconsciously find a way to destroy it (or consciously, if you have cats). If you do make the mistake of having possessions you love, make sure they can be put securely away, or use their inevitable demise as a Buddhist exercise in non-attachment.
Tip number four: Stop googling how to stop your house smelling like dog/baby puke/cat litter/teenagers. That’s how your house smells now. Accept it, open a window, save your money, and move on.
Tip number five: If someone tells you buying something in X fabric “won’t show stains” or “won’t show fur” they’re lying to you. See tip number two and save your money.
Tip number six: Choose any flooring that’s not carpet. Carpet is the devil and it belongs to people who have attained a lifestyle of such purity that they are about to transcend this mortal coil. See also: The colour white. If you want to feel like the house is actually clean when you clean it, you want hard floors and rugs.
Tip number seven: If you’re considering chrome or stainless-steel appliances, first ask yourself how much you enjoy looking at and cleaning sticky fingerprints and nose marks.
Tip number eight: Instead of worrying about physical clutter, free yourself from mental clutter. It’s normal to have an extra aquarium (or two, or three) and if they’re not in the way, why are you worried about them?
Tip number nine: Make friends with the kind of people who say things like “what dog hair?” or “I love a Lego obstacle course!”
Tip number 10: If you like it or need it, go for it. Life is short. Make your home feel like it’s your own.
Maybe if we spent more time in each other’s homes, and less time looking at curated versions of strangers’ houses on social media, we’d all feel a little better about our hovels.
If they keep the rain off, give us a comfy place to rest and share with the people we love best, they’re probably pretty perfect already.
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