Five things I don’t understand about the Illawarra

It’s been 10 years since the O’Brien family packed up our Tasmanian life and landed in the Illawarra, but there are still things about this place that leave us scratching our heads.

Sure, I know we’ve got another 20-odd years before the locals stop calling us “blow-ins”, but this is home now – quirks, roundabouts, and all.

Yet, while I’ll accept your love of Chickos, some of your weird and wonderful ways still have us feeling like confused tourists trying to read a parking meter in Wollongong.

So, tell me, can anyone explain these mysteries to me?

1. Why do you always complain about Sydney, yet you love visiting it?

You’ll roll your eyes about Sydney’s traffic, its astronomical coffee prices, and the chaos of finding a parking spot (or a reason to pay $40 for it).

Yet, when Taylor Swift announces a concert (or two), you’re the first ones to elbow each other for tickets and pack the car for a road trip up Mount Ousley.

Apparently, Sydney is the ex you can’t stop complaining about but still drunk-text at 2 am.

2. Why do you pretend you don’t love the steelworks?

Yes, it’s industrial, dirty, and smells a bit like something died and came back for one last fart, but let’s be honest: you’re all slightly obsessed with the Port Kembla Steelworks.

It’s the lifeblood of Wollongong’s history and economy. Not to mention an Instagram goldmine at sunset, and the one thing you all secretly brag about when you’re out of town.

When the iconic 198-metre Copper Smelter Stack came down in 2014, I’m betting you were lined up like half the region watching it topple before a mass dust cloud rose to a chorus of oohs and ahs.

Admit it: if they ever tried to close it, you’d all chain yourselves to the gates … after first stopping to complain about the smell and then realising no-one knows which gate to meet at.

3. Who’s responsible for the endless roundabouts?

Seriously, was there a roundabout clearance sale in the past that no-one told me about? The Illawarra seems to have an unhealthy obsession with roundabouts.

In fact, it has roundabouts where you least expect them and at least one that could double as an Olympic figure-skating rink (I’m looking at you, Oak Flats).

Driving here feels like you’re auditioning for Fast & Furious, complete with daring moves, honks, and the occasional panicked “close your eyes and go!”

The latter is partly because of another phenomenon that baffles me, which is your inability to know how to use a roundabout.

4. What’s with the whole north/south divide?

People north of the city of Wollongong treat venturing south like they need a passport and packed luggage for the journey. And vice versa.

When we first moved here, a power outage and a dodgy garage door left me with the car stuck in the garage with no way to fetch the girls from school.

Unable to rescue me, hubby instead called a workmate in Wollongong to travel down to me in Shellharbour to help do the school run, because in my panic I couldn’t figure out whether taxis existed in Shellharbour.

The response from the workmate was, “Isn’t that, like, 40 minutes away though?”

Mate, it’s 25 minutes tops. This isn’t Game of Thrones – we’re not crossing the Wall.

5. The pronunciation of place names

Look, I’ll own it: it took me years to work out Towradgi wasn’t pronounced Tower-radgi, that the G in Cringila was as in “gym” not “gum”, or that Thirroul didn’t rhyme with “Cyril”.

This, from someone who sniggered whenever tourists butchered Launceston back home in Tassie – it’s Lon-ces-ton, not Lawn-ces-ton.

I also reverted to the local slang of “Austie” for Austinmer, because I was too scared to attempt that one.

And don’t even get me started on Unanderra, which for the longest time I confused with Ulladulla. Turns out they’re two completely different places. Who knew? (Spoiler: literally everyone but me).

When I finally figured out which was which, I then proceeded to pronounce Unanderra with an “un”, as in “undies”. No wonder it sounded like a mouthful.

Then there’s good ol’ Woonona, which apparently sounds nothing like Winona Ryder, and carries on an obsession with suburbs starting with W – Wollongong, Windang, Warrawong, Wombarra and Wongawilli.

Phew!

What am I missing from the list? What don’t you get about the Illawarra?