Henry was all smiles when we arrived at childcare, but there were a few tears from mum. Photo: Keeli Dyson.
My not-so-little baby boy just started childcare and I’m pretty sure I cried about it more than he did.
We have been virtually inseparable for all 14 months of his life and the guilt of suddenly sending him away started eating away at me the second I signed his enrolment form.
Childcare is a financial necessity for many families, even though it is often almost impossible to get into, but I have been extremely fortunate to be able to return to work, from home, in such a flexible way that I didn’t need it.
I could work part-time and watch my kid full-time – and, hey, why not volunteer for a sporting club and do some study on top of that? Maybe plan a wedding too?
I could do it all – until I couldn’t.
I was with my son 24 hours a day, seven days a week while simultaneously seeming to spend no time with him whatsoever.
Every nap was spent dashing to the computer to try to churn out some work, interviews were done while routinely rocking him so he wouldn’t interrupt, mealtimes were joined with attempts to sneakily check my emails on my phone and playtime often became an independent activity for him.
The irony was not lost on me that I wrote an article about how detrimental a parent’s screentime could be for a young developing child, on a screen in front of my young developing child.
The time I spent with him was also spent stressed about whether I could meet my workload if he refused a nap, if he had appointments, or if my parents had prior commitments and couldn’t watch him.
So when the message came that we had been accepted into a centre that met childcare national standards and had fairly OK reviews on social media mums groups, I made a tough call.
But I would be kidding myself if I said I haven’t been continually questioning whether it’s the right decision.
The debate on the benefits (and detriments) of sending a child to care is nothing new.
Some research promotes the care of a parent as the best place for a child to thrive in early years, other studies report the benefits of socialisation and group play from as young as six months.
In the pursuit to be the perfect parent – often the more I read the more conflicted I am.
But while I believe making educated decisions is important, I also know that there’s very little chance of a study existing that matches my exact circumstances, with income, work flexibility, type of employment, access to childcare, support from family and friends and even my child’s personality all needing to be factored into what’s the best move to make.
Sometimes you’ve just got to trust your gut.
So I’ve made the decision to try to ditch the guilt, because I am truly trying to do what’s right for my son, myself and my family as a whole.
I want to work because I like what I do, I like talking to people, and I like telling stories.
I also want to work because it means I can afford to provide more opportunities for my son, whether that be experiences, education, toys or just contributing to life’s necessities like groceries.
While I still want to spend every second with my little boy, I want to be present, I want to engage with him and I don’t want to be pouring from an empty cup.
It’s a big step for us all and an exciting new adventure but still may be a little sad now and again when it is time to say goodbye.
