Close quarters, big feelings — can you ditch the drama and keep the joy when family is around? Photo: Image-Source.
For many of us the holidays are a time for family, but it’s not all stonefruit platters, flutes of bubbly and shimmering Hallmark moments.
Whether it’s the uncle who comments on personal appearance, the passive-aggressive mother-in-law, the demanding child, the competitive sibling or just “normal” family dynamics, we adore our families, but that doesn’t mean we’re geared to spend uninterrupted slabs of time together.
According to The Psychology Spot senior psychologist Melinda Tebb, tension can start building long before the family gathering.
“People might be under added financial strain at this time of year,” she says.
“Often they’re coming off the stress of a work pack-down period, and parents might have been juggling end-of-year school obligations. The days are longer, we cram in more, and sleep starts to slide.”
The result is a perfect storm that impacts our ability to tolerate stress and remain emotionally regulated. Eventually, the tiny irritations you would shrug off in May feel personal in December.
“The holidays can magnify existing tensions, old roles and unresolved conflicts,” Melinda says. “There’s something about the season which creates this shared expectation that despite all our issues, we’ll still get together and it will be beautiful.”
The good news? You don’t have to stride into the family arena unarmed.
To start, a little pre-event self-reflection goes a long way.
“Ask yourself, based on your experience of other occasions, what might be a trigger?” Melinda says.
Know what’s within your control, acknowledge what isn’t, and plan how you’ll respond to both.
If politics reliably derails your family lunch, perhaps the group agrees it’s off-limits for a day. If alcohol is historically a flashpoint, consider soft boundaries, such as a “no drinking before lunch” rule, or appointing a designated mocktail maker.
“Help moderate but make sure you have buy-in from your family,” Melinda says.”Don’t just turn up and say ‘Right, here’s what’s going to happen.'”
It’s also worth deciding which values you want to connect with as you interact, and how you want to respond when others aren’t quite playing by the rules.
Sometimes, despite our best planning, things can still blow up. There could be several psychological triggers at play including, Melinda says, our core belief systems.
Using the alcohol example, Melinda notes that for a person who has previously been on the receiving end of someone’s drunken criticism, their threat monitoring system can be on high alert, scanning the environment for external cues that feel like a repeat of the past.
Of course, not everything should be tolerated in the name of holiday harmony. Boundaries matter. If someone is firing up about politics and you’re not in the headspace for rebuttal, Melinda suggests connecting and redirecting.
“Something along the lines of ‘I can hear you’re passionate about this, but would it be OK if we pick this up another time?’ might work,” she says. “Then steer the conversation to Netflix or pick up a cricket bat.”
Timing matters, too. Melinda counsels choosing wisely.
“Is it the right time to let someone know they’ve been hurtful, or is it simpler to say something like ‘Comments about bodies are off-limits today’ and carry on?” she says.
“Only you can judge what, in that moment, will keep you connected to your own values, but also connected to the people there, especially if you’re going to be around them for a few more hours.
“If something someone says really does affect you, find a way to debrief with an empathetic person afterwards.”
Finally, pace yourself. You’re not contractually obligated to stay glued to the dining room for five hours.
Melinda advises creating pockets of relief, such as a trip to the park with the kids or a backyard breather.
And importantly, be aware of the role of nostalgia.
“Often in families, we think because we grew up together, fundamentally we have the same values. But between then and now, we’ve had a range of life experiences,” Melinda says.
“We never know what’s going on with people, and our brains will quickly fill in the gaps, accurately or otherwise. Our brains like to attribute meaning to what we see in front of us. For example, a sibling arrives late, and when they get there, they seem distracted. We attribute meaning to that behaviour and interpret it as a sign of them not caring, but there could be any number of reasons why they were late.
“Try shifting from judgment to curiosity. Ask yourself: ‘What’s another way I could look at this?'”
