Letter from the Editor: Recipes lie and carrots don't come in cubes - give me a break from cooking

I decided to take advantage of my “staycation” last week and try some new recipes.

Like many full-time working families, we tend to fall into a meal rut, relying on the same favourites week after week.

Our long-standing Sunday night spaghetti bolognaise routine is a bit of a joke among our family and friends. We take it in turns to cook it, as we each much prefer the other’s version, even though we use pretty much the same ingredients.

My husband would be the first to admit he’s no chef – his idea of cooking a baked dinner is tipping beans out of a tin.

But to his credit he cooks a mean spag bol and has one or two other pretty tasty meals in his repertoire.

I love cooking when: a) I’m in the mood for it; b) I have a recipe; and c) I have all the ingredients.

I hate cooking when I’ve had a full day at work and then have to turn around and think of something to eat.

Hence don’t expect me to cook or serve anything up on a Friday night; it’s every man (woman and child) for himself, although usually referred to in a much cruder fashion.

It seems most families have “special” answers to that patience-testing question, what’s for dinner? The in-laws’ favourite was “fowl shit and feathers”, and although Mum was never quite that blunt, her response – bread and duck (under the table) – never made any sense to a hungry kid. Actually, it still doesn’t.

So with time on my hands last week, a couple of new recipes to try out and a well-stocked pantry, I ventured into the kitchen, ready to cook up a storm.

It was then I remembered that recipes lie. Even the ones which are described as “easy-peasy for the total duffer cook” never are.

For instance, they say prep time is 10 minutes, but 10 minutes for whom? The master chef may cruise through the slicing and dicing but the duffer cook is just as likely to end up with slices of finger along with the French beans.

The meat/chicken/vegetables always take longer to brown/braise/simmer/cook than the recipe says, so that cooking time at the top of the recipe? More lies.

Then you get instructions like: one carrot, halved lengthways, cut into 1 cm cubes.

Maybe I take things too literally, but how the hell do you get cubes out of a half-circular carrot slice? And all at 1 cm – where do you buy a carrot cube measuring tape? What happens if they’re not cubes, or, heaven forbid, end up 1.5 cm? If you decided to follow the instructions to the letter, what happens to the bits that are left after cutting 1 cm square bits?

My relaxing afternoon in the kitchen was looking like a half-baked failure.

The beef and French onion soup looked nothing like the recipe’s accompanying pretty picture (the carrots definitely did not) and sadly the taste didn’t live up to my expectations either.

Husband was happy enough with it – although I’m pretty sure he just said he was happy because he knows which side his bread’s buttered on, so to speak – so he got it for lunch the next day and the day after.

So I’m back at work, we’re back to eating spag bol, snags and stir fries, and the beef and French onion soup recipe has been consigned to the folder labelled Food Failures.

They say a poor workman blames his tools – I’m blaming the recipe. And those bloody carrots.