Gentle parenting, Fafo, Tiger Mums … do they even exist? Photo: jota_buyinch.
Everyone loves it when childless people weigh in on parenting and I’ve got an unsolicited opinion I’m dying to share.
I’ve put a lot of thought into this, I’ve read a lot of articles, spoken to a lot of people and watched a lot of reality shows.
Here it is.
Parenting styles are bullshit – gentle parenting, Fafo, whatever buzzword is used to describe the way adult humans try to raise kids without serious injury and/or decades of therapy (for the adult or the child).
Tell me any couple you know in real life (who aren’t influencers) who have sat down, agreed to and then implemented a specific style of parenting with a full set of guidelines.
I don’t believe they exist.
I’m not saying I don’t think people have intentions.
I know friends who have read a parenting book or watched a million TikToks on a particular style and thought “fantastic, let’s give that a go”.
But when it comes to what actually happens, it seems to be heavily vibes-based.
The vibes are influenced by what their parents did (either copying them or trying to do things differently and often failing at both), what their friends are doing, and who they are as people.
My outdoorsy mates have kids who spend a lot of time outside.
My social mates have kids who are comfortable hanging out in large groups.
My Type-A mates have kids who follow strict schedules and my Type-B mates have kids who will happily fall asleep in a plane, in a train, on a bus, in the rain.
This seems a lot more in-line with how I conduct other relationships in my life.
I’ve never thought about whether I’m a Stepford Wife or a #tradwife. I’m just hanging out with my husband each day, trying to make sure we both have a good time and the dogs get fed.
It feels like it would be odd to research a whole approach to friendship and then unilaterally impose it on my social circle.
We spend time together because we love each other and if something isn’t working we hash it out – or try to.
It’s nice to imagine that other people are following a parenting rule book; then we can judge them for choosing the wrong one when their kids act like, well, kids.
It’s nice to imagine we could choose a parenting style like a recipe and have our kids turn out perfectly well-adjusted, angelic, self-actualised humans.
Plus, if they don’t it becomes the fault of the method we’ve chosen, rather than something closer to home.
There are all sorts of reasons kids struggle. Some of them are because of parents who are neglectful, or abusive, or unkind, or who just have very different personalities.
Some of them struggle because of systemic issues, like the rising cost of living pushing both parents to work full time, housing instability and some very scary parts of the internet.
And some of them are just because being a person is tough, especially if it’s brand new to you.
The only real trends I’ve noticed across the board are physical punishment is out and shouting at kids is a cause for collective cringe.
That’s not to say there’s no shouting (and maybe the odd smack I don’t see) but it’s more likely to be followed by a sense of embarrassment and an apology to the child.
On balance, I think both of those trends are good. There might be no perfect parenting recipe, but I think with our kids, just like with the other people we love, kindness wins in the end.
Original Article published by Zoe Cartwright on Region Canberra.
