The absolutely fabulous world of raising guinea pigs

Guinea pigs – you can’t look at their little faces without smiling.

Our household has two guinea pigs. They live in a spacious cage on the back porch. (OK, sometimes they come inside when it is too hot, too cold or too windy.)

The outside cage is near the glass sliding door so we can watch them run about. Sometimes they jump vertically. This is called popcorning and apparently they do this when they are happy, which makes me even happier.

Like Paddington Bear, guinea pigs come from Peru. Not Guinea in West Africa, nor Guinea-Bissau (also in West Africa), Equatorial Guinea in Central Africa, or even Papua New Guinea. Neither are they pigs.

Here are some reasons why guinea pigs make great pets.

Unlike cats, guinea pigs don’t scratch the furniture, yowl like a banshee or murder wildlife.

Unlike parrots, guinea pigs don’t try to bite chunks out of your ear.

Guinea pigs are better than ponies because they don’t make children who don’t have one cry with jealousy – and there is no requirement to wear jodhpurs.

Guinea pigs don’t have the same yuk factor as other rodents such as rats and mice. Yes, guinea pigs are also rodents (Cavia porcellus) but some rodents are more rodents than others.

As for dogs, it must be admitted that guinea pigs will never look at you with adoring puppy eyes and snuggle up when you are feeling sad.

But the biggest advantage these pocket pets have over dogs is on your hip pocket. I love dogs but they are so expensive which is a consideration during this cost-of-living crisis.

Back in the bad old days when I rode a triceratops to school, dogs seemed to be so much cheaper.

Dad brought home a puppy – a red cattle dog cross. The dog was given to us, not sold.

He cost us nothing in registration (until the court case). We didn’t pay vet bills (until he escaped the yard and was picked up by the pound, the subsequent court case and fine. Then there was the vet bill to have him desexed to slow him down and the immunisations).

We fed him kibble, table scraps and bones from the butcher. We groomed him ourselves in the backyard. We didn’t dress him up in a coat or bow tie on his collar. His name was Butch. We didn’t dare.

Guinea pigs, on the other hand, don’t demand a lot of fuss. They don’t need daily walks, don’t need a microchip and don’t disturb the neighbours. They eat grass, vegetable scraps and occasional feeds of commercial guinea pig food.

You can buy all sorts of products for them if you wish: bunk beds, castles and harnesses. But I’m not going there.

We have two females because we don’t want them breeding like rabbits.

When my brother went backpacking through South America, he saw backyards crammed with guinea pigs. The ground appeared to be moving, there were so many of them. People raise guinea pigs for food.

And while my brother tries to tell me raising these mini livestock on my mini farm (backyard veggie patch) for the table is a good idea, we’re not going there, either.

Anyway, we can’t. We’ve already given the guinea pigs names. Meet Eddy and Patsy. Eddy is the scruffy one. Patsy is the one with the topknot. And they really are absolutely fabulous.